I am struggling at the moment. Really not doing that well. I've turned off all notifications on my phone for the first time ever and even given my landline out to a couple of people in case they need to reach us. I just don't want to see people, join in or pretend to feel normal anymore. It's exhausting.
Something has happened, this is not one of my crises brought on through excessive worrying about worrying about worrying for once.
Something has happened to deeply upset me on pretty much every level of my existence, challenging me as a person, my work, my studies, my experiences, my illness, my pain and even my successes.
I am not ready to speak or write any more about it, except to say that it feels different this time. I've notice I am thinking about what happened in a strange way (for me). I have gotten upset, felt despair and self-hatred and seen the return of certain symptoms after months of remission - nausea, sickness and the ever present pre-panic chest tightening (those of you who've had a panic attack will know what I mean).
But I've noticed how quickly this, every now and then, transforms into a weird sense of focus. I catch myself feeling some kind of resolve; although I feel see-through, exposed and vulnerable, my reasons for carrying on even whilst feeling like this, being there for my son and husband, are much more real than the reasons for giving up. Somehow within those reasons for giving up, however painful and many I come up with, is the ultimate reason to carry on.
“The pure yin is hidden in yang, and the pure yang is hidden in yin”
For the first time in a long time I feel myself truly withdrawing, and understanding a bit about what it must be like for others who can't keep up with normality and cope by taking tight control of their environment, perhaps at the cost of their relationships. I have known people like this, who need control and I have not understood it or had much compassion for it. But now, whilst I love my friends and family and value my relationships, I just can't deal with anyone outside of my household right now.
I need a break from all this connection for a while, and it seems I'm not afraid to say it. And do it.
I don't think my words make much sense, but that in itself may be very apt as I don't feel I make much sense at the moment.