It never fails to amaze me that when I feel tired and overwhelmed or ill, I shortcut emotionally to my previous experiences of reaching crisis point again and again.
The feelings that everyone is ok apart from me, no one knows how hard it is to keep going like this, no one understands or gets it because I appear super productive and on form about 80% of the time so how can I be really struggling.
I have been told to lower my expectations, but to what I don't know.
The doubt I feel about my own existence is scary and never feels far away on days like today. The voices inside tell me that I need to push through, stop being so self-absorbed and man up as everyone gets anxious. None are particular successful in helping motivate me right now.
I realise what I lack is that basis of self trust or self belief that I recognise in those around me, or in the ways they cope to avoid their own similar feelings. I've lost so many of my defences, and am left with super self-awareness an no excuses.
Posting on here to complain about my feelings is probably one of my last ones that does help. So excuse this rambling and depressing post and scroll on by if you need to. One certainty I do have is that even for recurrent feelings is that that they change with time, so there remains a glimmer of hope.
I am going to make a plan of sorts to look after myself today.