I just want to write to capture what I am feeling today...in case it changes. Read on...
I've just got back from a half term holiday, in the company of family and doing activities that although exhausting, I enjoy. Perhaps for the second or third time in my adult life, I've had a holiday without being dogged by persistent symptoms of anxiety and depression, they seemed to lift as I assume most people's mood lifts when they engage in things they find enjoyable.
However today, I am smack bang down to earth. I realise everyone gets the Monday blues, and as recent media articles have discussed, for many people these start on Sunday. Mine did indeed start yesterday, but thanks to a history of depressive illness, my crash landing yesterday fast tracks me straight back to the cliff edge where it seems that one false move and I will go over, falling into the murky depths below.
After trying to equally keep myself busy but not overwhelmed yesterday, this morning I woke feeling confused and sad.
This has become my normality really. Every morning, I feel my brain click into gear ans start working through all the possible reasons for the feeling of unease that seems to shadow me.
Literally, I have learned to observe my mind checking and rechecking scenarios for the day, possible interactions that I may find difficult and also running through the status of my health, that of my loved ones, my relationships and my place in the world. It's as quick as that: from feeling worried without knowing why to the next minute checking through the contents of my whole life to see what is wither wrong or likely to go wrong. In the past I would be drawn into each alley way of thought and end up petrified that if I didn't think through each thing, something would go wrong. But I have learned.
Still I must go through the motions of what is generalised anxiety mixed with depression. Despite this state of hyper-awareness, I feel sluggish and sad. This process of checking my thoughts or beliefs happens several times per day and is exhausting.
Upon waking, what compound the emotional rollercoaster is an obligatory review of my recent dream for any signals or confirmation that I should indeed just give up and let myself fall as things are too far gone. Over the past decade my dreams have become more and more upsetting, combining the everydayness of life with the horror of my worst fears in ever more imaginative and intrusive combinations.
This I feel ashamed of: I am an educated resident of a first world country, living in comfort who has had the luxury of being able to choose how I spend my time, workwise.
And still I am complaining that I only just have the resources to summon the effort it takes to get up in the morning and carry this psychological sack of bricks with me as I do what is required to maintain a pretty good life (looking after a child whom I love, greeting my husband whom I love and benefitting from the comfort of a tidy and welcoming home).
I cannot imagine feeling like this and not feeling heard or supported by someone or trying to maintain hope when the world feels against you and you have little material resources.
So...'today is gonna be the day' as I have noticed that in the past that when I start to write my thoughts and feelings down, when I get beyond fantasising about bearing my true self to you, and I actually articulate this stuff, it shifts. It changes.
I don't feel better, cured, well. I just feel different and a tiny bit more hopeful. A tiny bit more part of the human race that I felt so separate from when I woke this morning.
All the roads we have to walk are indeed winding (thanks Noel).
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